Three Zero

August 3, 2013 § 4 Comments

So, in a few minutes (that is if I finish this before 12 AM), I’m turning 30. But really technically, today is the last day of my 30th year and tomorrow is the start of my 31st.

I’m going to try to write as honestly as I could. For the last few days/weeks/months, I’ve been thinking or at least trying to think about things. Things like how I feel about me entering the 30’s, what I’ve been doing the last year (my adult years) and how I feel about it, what I wanted to do, what I wanted to happen, my old dreams and if I still have any left or if I’ve given up on them, and really just how I feel about my whole life. Kind of like what I usually do during New Year’s Eve. Why? Because I’m turning 30! Big 3-0. I felt like it’s something I needed to do as a culmination of whatever the years before 30 are called and maybe, just maybe find a direction for the next set of years to come. I never got passed the “trying” part.

I wanna say in defense that I was busy. But that isn’t entirely it. Yeah for the most part, I was. Work was crazy the last three weeks, there was home drama, and I had financial issues to deal with. However, to be completely and utterly honest, I had enough time to do the thinking. I may even have allowed myself to be distracted by other things to avoid thinking.

So I had these short incomplete thoughts, small glimpses of what I want, fleeting feelings but nothing solid, nothing concrete, and basically nothing. Right this instant, I’ve got jumbled thoughts, a mountain of feelings to sort through, and another mountain of problems to get through. It’s sad and depressing how much of a mess I am right now.

(This is the part of the post where I try to turn things around. ‘Cause that’s how I am, I think.)

The thing is I am not depressed. I am very confused with everything and sort of feel like I’m in a limbo or something. It’s confusing me how unstable I feel and think but on a say wider degree, I feel fine.

(11:59 PM)

So that’s what I’m going with the last minute of my 30th year. I’m fine. I’m okay. And I know, this time next year, I’ll be fine as well. I do hope I’ll be less confused.

(Midnight)

Happy Birthday to me!

It’s raining. Maybe it’s heaven’s way of cleansing my life so I can start my 31st year with a clear mind and heart.  Yah. That’s it.

(clearer unimportant afterthought)

Last week, I thought I may have missed the feeling of having someone to love (romantically). Then sometime today between waking up after a night shift and eating breakfast (which is really dinner) I realize, I just miss kissing. So there. At least I had one clear thought.

Okay so that’s that. I’m 30 now. 1 more year and I’m off the calendar. 45 more till I’m off the Bingo card. Right.

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