Getting Unstuck (Or So I Thought)
May 26, 2014 § 4 Comments
And I thought I wasn’t going to do a personal update till after June ha! I do need to do this. It’s part of the process.
It’s glaringly obvious that I went on a hiatus. I didn’t mean to really. It kinda just happened. I didn’t even notice until lately. Not only did I not blog, I also stopped watching my weeklies and all my other routines. I was online in social media even lesser than I used to. The only thing I did was read and I’m not even willing to check those books in to Goodreads, lol.
I was in a kind of something, emotionally. I’m calling it “something” because I wasn’t able to pinpoint what it really was until two weeks ago. For 5 weeks, my feelings alternate around large amounts of anger, melancholia, and general unhappiness. I had small douses of laughter and amusement, but even those felt fake. And when I’m not feeling those, I felt like a zombie. The negative feelings outweighed the positive ones.
I think I am usually a positive person and feeling how I felt the past month was not going well with me. It became unhealthy. I was highly irritated at work. This mainly can be attributed to my co-workers lack of commendable work ethics (this is me trying to be not so negative when I really just want to diss them). However, if I was in a different disposition, I would have been patient towards them. Surprisingly, I was still productive at work (at least my work ethics weren’t affected). I was different at home, where I was highly unproductive. I spent most of my time home, sleeping and lazing around. I didn’t talk to my friends much too. Even when I’m out with them. Oh, I was there but not really there.
I finally realized two weeks ago, that I was worse than what I thought and that I had to do something. So I tried to be lucid and sort through everything I’m feeling and what’s causing them. And I was able to pinpoint what it was. Regret and dissatisfaction. Yep. I have acknowledged that although I don’t want to, I do have regrets. All these regrets have suddenly crept up into my consciousness causing dissatisfaction. I also realized how deeply disappointed I am with myself. I have not done anything worthwhile. I’ve wasted so much time and potential.
Realizing those didn’t make me feel any better. I can’t undo most of them and fixing some would take a long time. I then felt that I was stuck. Then came along what I thought was a silver lining, a job opportunity. I was hesitant at first but decided to take it on. A week ago, I found out it wasn’t going through. I didn’t feel bad about that. I still enjoy my current job and was really hesitant to move on however it left me back to where I was.
All this escalated to last Friday when I had a slight breakdown, if you can call it that. It happened all inside me although I’m sure my co-workers noticed my anger seeping through. They were the usual incompetent people. I lost it. That was the angriest I’ve been for 3 years. A rant to a friend via Line and a 40-minute walk several blocks around my building didn’t help. I wanted to leave. Right at that moment. Drop and leave everything. Go somewhere else. Even for a short time. But of course, I couldn’t. My deep-seated work ethics won’t allow me to. I even grudgingly did what my co-workers were supposed to do. I couldn’t afford to leave too.
A few minutes after this mini-breakdown, a blogger I follow posted a quote. The quote above. “And I realized that there is a big difference between deciding to leave and knowing where to go.”. And it pulled me back. Something clicked in my mind and heart. Leaving for awhile would not help me in the long run. Especially since I don’t know where to go, not literally but figuratively. I also remembered this book I recently finished. It’s called “Year of the Chick”. On this book, a guy told the main character that she thinks she is a victim when she’s not and only she can make her situation better. While I don’t think I am a victim (or maybe I am, a victim of my own doing), I definitely think I’m the only person who can make this all better. I don’t know if it makes sense that these two things connected in my mind at that time but that did it for me. I stayed more than two hours after my shift at work that day and vented out (without the angst I felt) to one of my closest friends and felt much better than I’ve felt the last five weeks.
So now I am writing this. I am still literally “stuck” but I don’t feel that anymore. I feel dumb now, going through all those. In my defense, I am not a psychologist and I am very much human, lol. Anyway, I feel so much better now. I think I’m getting back to how I usually am. Yay! I think I’ll be able to tolerate my unreliable co-workers without getting angry. I am planning to do something about that though. As for the other things, I remember now that I’ve already been working on fixing them. I just need to keep doing my action plans, and try my hardest not to fall back. See, I’m already back to being positive and hopeful.
This has been a long update. But yeah. I needed it.